OK, so I realize this is destined to be misunderstood by many, but that never stopped me from “going there” before. I intend no specific disrespect to the victims, and it’s a drag this story will get so much play in absence of heavier events when so many have time to be more aware of the “news”: but there is something majestic in the notion of being killed by a Siberian Tiger on Christmas Day.

Let’s step back for a minute and talk about death in general, not a comfortable topic for mortals, westerners, and particularly Americans. But when you face the fact that we all have “got to go”, I think it morbid logic to consider ways you might prefer to have it happen. And I argue there many worse, less poetic ways to meet your end than they way this guy did. Look at statistics for “average American death”…

Experiencing cancer’s sapping your vitality over the course of months/years vs. an adrenalized tiger assault - true, it is nice to have some time to say your goodbyes and get your affairs in order. But cost wise there is no contest - admission to zoo ticket vs. modern medical expenses times X, insured or not, it’s spendy ya’ll. Plus the “surprise factor”. I guarantee that guy didn’t wake up thinking ‘I might get killed at the zoo today’, and true most young people aren’t conducting their lives in ways conducive to the avoidance of cancer, but the older you get, it can’t help but occur to you at some point your odds against The House. That Big House of Cell Mutation so counter-productive to your current mode of living. True, not everyone selected will be killed by their type of cancer, but it’s an ugly game, and you’re playing, like it or not.

Car accident fatality vs. tiger attack - adrenaline levels might be more comparable here, but in terms of “last moment revelation of irony”, picture that guy lying there viscerated thinking “wow, I was killed by a ferocious animal from the other side of the world in a major urban center - that’s unexpected and sucks”. Then picture yourself after having launched through your windshield into another vehicle and the last thing you see is the backward image of their ‘W - the President’ on the remains of what used to be their back window. Or to realize over the sound of other’s squealing tires, panicked responses, and formerly compressed air escaping from the radiator, tinkling glass shards, whatever else might be going on audio wise, you are also hearing the music another vehicle had on before impact…and it’s a song you always hated, or maybe one you’ve never heard but instantly hate. Your final moments, realizing the animating force is departing your mortal coil, and the chance soundtrack is some saccharine audio schmaltz about sex or bling. OK, that’s too cruel, and odds are the player would be shut off/destroyed during the collision. So the last thing you get to hear are your fellow citizens freaking out and yelling, sounds of irritated traffic and people making the realization they are gonna be “late”. Your body torn apart by steel, fiberglass, and glass shards vs. your body being torn apart by tooth bone and cartalidge claw…Organic - to borrow a popular marketing term. Plus no leaking fuel smell. Tigers almost never explode after incapacitating their victims.

And while they are statistically rare: I think you have to take into account tiger attack vs. other animal attacks. I’d take a tiger over a bear. Shark is just about the worst for me: while many animals have evolutionary advantages against an unarmed, modern human, with a shark it just seems completely cruel in their own habitat. I guess I’d take my chances with a shark out of water, but even then I wouldn’t be too happy about it. Crocodile? To much like the shark: first thing it’s gonna do it try to get you underwater and get his roll on. Dog pack, or single 136kg dog - that would suck as well, because I really like dogs and I’d be giving the fucker commands or trying to bond with it during the attack, definitely making the situation more absurd. Poisonous snakes or insects? Fuck that too. Fight the ‘poison clock’ in addition to the puncture. In general, I think I can safely say I’d rather be killed by a mammal than another species, though trampled by a heard doesn’t seem so keen. Or at least something with a face…imagine trying to swim somewhere relatively safe as you realize your floating in a group of man-o-war.
Tigers are really beautiful and command a certain respect. Just as you can imagine an aged stag giving itself over to a bow hunter, I’m not saying liking it, but on some level appreciating his flight is over…true, preferable for him perhaps to have a lung punctured by a rivals rack, laying there sufficating as he detects some doe’s pheromonal message of “gee, that dude wasn’t SO bad, I might have given him some…oh but girl, you just know I’m fixin to present to that badass that done slayt him…”, but let’s imagine there is some respect for the “order of things”, that a stag who’s been around a few seasons can appreciate when his time has come and a worthy hunter has lain him low.
Maybe it could have been like that in the final moments for the Christmas Zoo patron: ‘obviously death sucks, but I can’t help but admire how beautiful this thing is, right here on top of me, even with all of that crimson of my oxidized blood smeared all over it’s mussel. Look at how her tail whips around like a playful kitten, she’s obviously enjoying this…’

OK, I admit the “romance” is more complete in a jungle (or I guess Siberian forest) than on the concrete of the SF zoo, but I still say there are less “fantastic” ways to go. Quality vs. quantity - is longevity really “all that”?

*paraphrase of NYT’s ‘quote of the day’: The disease is by no means inevitable, but among people 85 and older, about 40 percent develop Alzheimer’s and spend their so-called golden years in a thicket of confusion, ultimately becoming incontinent, mute, bedridden or forced to use a wheelchair and completely dependent on others.

“It makes people wonder whether they really want to live that long,” Dr. Klunk said.